The three of us are no longer sleeping in the same bed, separate rooms even but Happy wakes up screaming and crying, yelling for mommy.
EVERY MORNING.
I lost it this morning. I'm not pleasant when I wake up, Christopher was always the cheerful riser. Even after only a few hours of sleep or years of having to wake up at 3 and 4 in the morning, he was always in a good mood. He made waking up easier for me, so I wasn't a grump for long. He would bring me coffee and his first random thoughts of the day. There would be many more to follow.
God.
I miss him.
But this morning after only getting to sleep for 4 hours, I blew up. It hasn't happened often, I would love to scream and hit and be vicious enough to make someone feel this way too. I just can't. I'm not wired that way. I want to be better.
I want to thrive. I don't want to hate the world. But I don't know how to stop wanting that.
I'm doing everything I'm supposed to. Therapy, praying, exercising, eating right, trying not to isolate myself, reading, but it doesn't feel like it's doing any damn good. Alexander and I pray at night to find the broken pieces of our hearts so we can start super glueing them back together.
This is rough. We are in a tough spot, pushing and dragging ourselves along because none of us want to feel this way.
Christopher.
He wouldn't want us to feel this way. We have to live up to his legacy. It's our only option, nothing else will do.
This weekend is our wedding anniversary. I've booked a hotel out of town for my sister and I. Forcing myself to go have some fun. Feeling anxious and guilty about leaving my kids, even if I know they will be fine. Worried about breaking down, not knowing how to cope with the fact that he isn't here with me and we won't be able to celebrate together ever again. But I'm going. I have to.
And then I'll get to sleep and that may be all that I do.
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