Christopher

I went to a grief seminar this past weekend and one of her suggestions was to write you a letter, so here it is. 

I bought a puzzle yesterday. I guess I need to feel like I can put something tangible together because what I'm left with now, this life without you, I can't. 
I despise this. I don't want to live this life without you. I haven't heard your voice in 70 days, until yesterday. I found this old video of you and even though it's 30 seconds long, the kids and I have listened to it over and over and over and over. 

We miss you. Alexander is in so much pain, he's trying to sort all of this out in his 6 year old brain but it's too much. I can't even make sense of it. Happy sees you, and I am fairly certain you two play together daily. Our life wasn't supposed to be like this. We had fought so hard to get to where we were and now I don't know if I have any fight left in me. I feel so defeated. 

What did I do? 
How can I fix this? 
I need to fix this. 

We should be preparing for you coming home. Thrilled that we are going to see you soon.

Go on adventures. Snuggle in the cloud. Be US again. 

This is not us. 
This is not our family. 
We are not a family without you. 

I don't understand and every day my heart breaks.
Over and over and over and over.

I'm scared that I'm going to fail and you'll be disappointed. How fucked up is that? I'm scared of what a dead man is going to think about how I'm living. 
I sob every single night. The memories are torture and all I want is to go back. I want to feel you next to me. I want to hear you and Alexander giggling together. I want you to be here to see them grow up. You'd be so proud of Alexander. Happy is a breath of fresh air.
They keep me sane. They are the greatest gift you could have ever given me. 
I wonder how you'd handle this if it were me that died. Would you be ok or would you be a puddle of despair like me? Tell me what to do. I need you to tell me how I'm going to get through this. Help me get through this.

I love you. I just wish it were enough to bring you back.