Puddles or cliffs

There is a shift happening. An ebb and flow. I can feel myself working with my grief and not against it. This harmony transcends the pain. Knowing this has helped me to realize that this is what I'm here for. 
Accepting that we are here to love unconditionally, that our experiences and suffering is not to manipulate and torture us but to make our hearts expand. I am rejecting the negative and humbling myself, this has made me mindful. 
I'm aware. My eyes are wide open. My thoughts influence my words and my words influence my actions. I have the power to decide what will satisfy my soul. 

Just me. 

This is a huge step forward. A friend told me right after Christopher died that 

"I would be amazed at my capabilities. I am a butterfly bursting out of its cocoon." 

That's what this moment feels like. I was a caterpillar, slowly grazing the earth and then after some time passed I built my safe haven in my cocoon. After years of waiting to emerge, here it is. I'm not completely out but the tips of my wings can feel the sun's warmth. 
I know I'm ok.
I'm ok with where this journey is going. What has led me here has been painful and if I were not capable it would have destroyed me.  

It didn't.
It won't.


I love my husband, I always will. In our safe haven he taught me that I am worthy. I am a dreamer. I am strong enough to withstand any obstacle thrown my way. That I am loved, and love back with a fierce intensity. This is why I am where I am. Christopher gave me a life, a chance, an opportunity. I have to jump. 

Powdered sugar gravy

I miss him. I miss him so much and when I realize he isn't coming back it rips me apart all over again. 

I miss being goofy with him. I miss the happiness that we could create in each other with just a few words. I miss feeling joyful when he was excited about something or thought something was funny. 

Just smiling because he was. 

He had the best smile. 

It was genuine. You could feel the happiness radiating off of it. 

I miss rubbing the back of his neck while he drove to help soothe his nerves navigating through traffic. I miss him coming home and proclaiming "your new boyfriend is here" after getting a haircut. I knew the sound of the car driving up, and those boots walking to the front door. I miss feeling my heart flutter because of that sound.

I wish so badly that I could hear that again. 

I miss his atrocious sense of humor. I miss him chasing me around the house with Alexander trying to tickle me. I miss our long walks where we'd talk and dream about our future. 

We solved all the world's problems on those walks. 

I miss the obscene amount of soy sauce bottles in the pantry because he put it on everything. I miss him requesting his own pot of gravy for meals because he would need that much. 

Especially on Thanksgiving. 

I miss his warmth. He was hot natured and put off so much heat which was great for cold nights and so I called him the "furnace". I just want to feel that warmth again. 

I miss him. Every single moment. Every single one. 

I can feel myself getting better. The days keep passing and I'm still here. 

One small step, day after day.

But I miss him. I miss him so much. 

Day 88

The reality that Christopher is dead is weighing heavily on me now. I'm used to not talking to him but it's when I realize that it's been almost 3 months since I last spoke to him I feel that gut punch. I spent 5 hours yesterday in a conference room writing and signing my will. Discussing the most morbid scenarios so I know if something happens to me our kids will be taken care of. 5 hours of death drilling into your skull. 



I read an email last week and was asked to write down a list of my attributes. Reminding myself of the person I was before all of this, and what still remains after. I haven't done it yet.
I'm not good at loving myself. I have always felt like I lacked something that everyone else had. That I was different. I know I'm not a bad person, that I'm actually a pretty damn good one, but the self doubt always finds a way to creep in. 

I've been in therapy for years, my father is/was not the best. He is a narcissist and has been this way since way before I was born. Unable to love anyone beside himself, unable to give to others what has been generously given to him, unable to be the father that I needed. 
In therapy, I discovered that my drive to please others, to do whatever it took to make them happy was because of the relationship I had with him. He holds his love over my head, teasing and toying with me. Giving hope that if I do this, or that, then he would love me. It has always been a conditional love. This lead me to believe that all love was conditional, even the love I have for myself.

It's bogus. It makes no sense. It's a behavior pattern that I have been doing my entire life. 
When you feel like you've been abandoned in your life, repeatedly, it's natural to only want to shun away from connecting with someone. I constantly feel like I have to be in control to keep me from relying on others because I fear they will disappoint me or if I begin to rely on them too much they will disappear. Knowing this has not kept me from doing it to other people though. 
I've caused pain and hurt in people, said things that were vile and rotten just because I knew it would hurt them. I've left relationships, pushed people away, vanished. I've also tried to learn from my mistakes, make amends for my actions, apologize for the pain I caused because I know what that suffering feels like. I know the pain of being rejected. 

Cut out.


Deleted.

Like you never existed at all.

I've made drastic efforts to change this. I owe a lot of that to Christopher, Alexander and Happy. Their unconditional love for me is a constant reminder that I'm worthy of being loved. 
I mess up though. I slip. I fall. I tend to my wounds and get back up. It's survival. I can't fall down the rabbit hole although there are many days I want to. I have more good left inside to give. I remain mindful of that. Mindful that everything is connected. My actions and reactions have a cause and effect.

And affect.

Be thankful for the good. For the moments that are pure joy. 
Use it as a force against my fear of being abandoned by those I let in. Or befriend the monster and accept that it's not going anywhere.