There is a shift happening. An ebb and flow. I can feel myself working with my grief and not against it. This harmony transcends the pain. Knowing this has helped me to realize that this is what I'm here for.
Accepting that we are here to love unconditionally, that our experiences and suffering is not to manipulate and torture us but to make our hearts expand. I am rejecting the negative and humbling myself, this has made me mindful.
I'm aware. My eyes are wide open. My thoughts influence my words and my words influence my actions. I have the power to decide what will satisfy my soul.
Just me.
This is a huge step forward. A friend told me right after Christopher died that
"I would be amazed at my capabilities. I am a butterfly bursting out of its cocoon."
That's what this moment feels like. I was a caterpillar, slowly grazing the earth and then after some time passed I built my safe haven in my cocoon. After years of waiting to emerge, here it is. I'm not completely out but the tips of my wings can feel the sun's warmth.
I know I'm ok.
I'm ok with where this journey is going. What has led me here has been painful and if I were not capable it would have destroyed me.
It didn't.
It won't.
I love my husband, I always will. In our safe haven he taught me that I am worthy. I am a dreamer. I am strong enough to withstand any obstacle thrown my way. That I am loved, and love back with a fierce intensity. This is why I am where I am. Christopher gave me a life, a chance, an opportunity. I have to jump.
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