Onward and upward

I am currently on a quest to be(come) the best version of myself. 

This is not easily done. 
Sometimes it requires my heart to break open again. 
And to remain a little broken, to see a little clearer. 
To isolate myself from what I’ve been taught. 
And from those who prevent me from doing so. 

One of the most difficult parts of this is trying to not get swept away in the madness. Those overwhelming feelings of elation from succeeding in life, and the devastation that occurs when you fail or are mistreated. 

I have experienced both highs and lows in extreme capacities this year. I was snatched up by possibilities and ignored realities. 
Not all the time but enough for it to be brought to the surface. 
Conscious thoughts battling instinctual certainties. 
The core of my truth. 
The grit of my existence.  
Trying to be who I think I’m supposed to be instead of who I was made to be. Ignoring the signs and following cues of my past, safely clinging to them as if I hadn’t really learned anything. 

Enough of that. 

For me to really start progressing then forgiveness is now the objective. 
Truly releasing and detaching from what has happened and the behaviors of others. I am loosening the reigns of past experiences and regrets. 
Stripping my soul down bare so that the cycle can stop. 
No more harm shall be done. Not by these hands anyway. 

Life will flow along, there will be actions that will make me pause, perhaps cower but I will go forth. 
Open and infatuated with what makes my soul quake. 
Never settling out of fear or desperation. 
Always acting out of love. 

On my quest.

Thank you, Buddy

Think happy thoughts.
Peter said so. 
If you think happy thoughts, you can fly. 

Guess what? 
Peter was right.

I've been asked this more and more recently. 

"You've been through so much, how are you happy? What's the secret? What prescription has your doctor put you on?"

Here it is. 

I'm not on any prescriptions. There is no magic pill or cure. 

Every single morning I wake up with a grateful heart. I make a conscious effort to make love the focus of my day, nothing else. In every action, every word, every encounter, love is at the center. 

Don't get me wrong, I get upset. 
I still cry. 
I miss my husband. We all miss him. 
I get frustrated with day to day events. 
I get really irritated if I'm hungry or behind slow drivers.
Life happens and it pisses me off sometimes.
But even if I mess up, even if I fail, I apologize to myself or whoever was subjected to my humanism and move on. 

I realign my focus and go straight back to love. 

I read about it.
I talk about it.
I smile everywhere I go, to everyone I meet. 
Even if you're a slow driver.


Most importantly, I make sure I'm loving myself first and foremost, honoring my thoughts and feelings. And not allowing my feelings to be projected onto others. Unless I have really thought about what I'm going to say. I am mindful of everything, every action and interaction. 

And it is working. 

I am met with kindness, and empathy. I am having conversations with people I would have never imagined talking to before. I am receiving smiles from all walks of life and it is so good. 
Genuine.
What life is made for. 

How did I figure this out? 

My seven year old did it for me. 
Last year, when I was not happy, quite miserable actually. 
When I was wallowing in it, this thick, black tar of depression. It covered me from head to toe and followed me around like a slimy trail. My son would come home from school and tell me that he was the luckiest boy in the world. 

He had a grateful heart. 
He loved me, even broken and vicious, he loved me. 
He showed me what unconditional meant. 

He's seven. And his father had just died, and he's telling me it's going to be okay. 
I'm the adult. 
I'm the one who should be consoling him and here he is. 
Happy and in love with every inch of life. Loving his mother through hell. Beaming his light in my darkness. 

Slowly, that love he exuded crept into me more and more each day, until it filled me up so much I had to start sharing it myself. 

I also realized that I can not change the past nor what has happened to me but I can not repeat it. I avoid triggers, I know what sets off my depression, I know what to stay away from. 
Habits. 
Negative energy. 
Deterrents that I know will prevent me from my ultimate daily goal. Being happy. 
This is where the adult side came in to play, the decisions I had to make as one to continue on this path. 
To do what was best to share this gift I have been given. 
A second chance. 
I won't waste it.  

It's not easy and takes work but eventually I retrained my mind and day to day, moment to moment really, I live by the "golden rule". 

Funny how it's the first thing we are taught and we quickly forget, but ultimately it comes down to that. 

Treat others the way you want to be treated. 

With love.

Autumn renewal

I love this time of year. 

The smell of the wind. 

The crunch of the leaves. 

The warmth of a home.

Life around us dying only to be reborn.

But not really, because only the surface dies. 

The roots, the depths of the earth, that remains still.

Quiet. 

Till it is time to bloom again.

Transpire. 

I know this feeling all too well. 

The choice was made for me but I have embraced this.

I had to.

Some people expected me to stay in the darkness. 

To them I say, you never knew me. 

Some will never understand how I can be happy now. 

Again, you never understood my depth. 

I was born into tragedy and I haven't quit yet. 

It's not in me. 

I am built for this life and what it throws my way. 

I choose to love. 

I choose to live in the now. 

I choose to fill my glass and have it overflow so maybe, just maybe, it will run over into someone else's. 

Someone who needs it more than I. 

Someone who is not familiar with the hurt that life can bring. 

This is why I am here. 

Every single day, I make this choice. 

Death found me so I could be reborn. 

So that I would be capable of understanding.

And mending. 

I had to lose the love of my life to find the love of my life.

Me.

This life will never be easy but it will be worth it. 

Every single day. 

Because I am worth it. 

And so are you.

Life's equilibrium

I am knee deep in my transformation. 

Maneuvering through this new life, remaining open up to possibility yet cautious. Setting clear boundaries so the opportunity to be taken advantage of is nowhere in sight. 

Listening to my instincts, following my gut. 

I am no longer attached to things or people. 

If it suits me, great and if it doesn't serve a purpose or provide peace in my life, I let it go. 

Release is powerful, remaining unattached and free of expectations is liberating. This mindset has allowed me to enjoy life in its rawest most natural form. It is my gift to myself, and to my heart. 

My life before wasn't this way. 

I was attached to Christopher, deeply. 

I catered to his needs and lost myself in the process. 

This wasn't his fault, I just thought that this was how love and relationships operated. 

This is not so. 

Ebb and flow. Give and take. Balance. 

Balance is key and necessary. 

I know that now. 

I also know that if I can't allow others to freely be themselves and figure out their own needs, on their own terms, it won't last. 

I can't fix everyone, and I don't have to.

My job here is to keep life easy and breezy. 

To be a light when there is only darkness.

To smile, all the time. 

There is so much to smile about. 

And to allow those in when they need me and to let them go when our time has come to an end. To put my needs and my wants at the top of the totem pole and let the rest fall where it may. 

And you know what? 

It's working. 

There is magic in detaching yourself from life's binding ways. 

I am living, really living and it's only going to get better. 

One day, when it's all over I will know that I lived a life that mattered and the release will be just that. 

Exemption.