I'm more than a statistic

"Did you know… 800,000 people are widowed each year?"

I did not know this but now it is my reality so I've become very aware. 

"Did you know… 700,000 of those are women?"

Figures. 

I have yet to meet a widower. 

At any age.  

"Did you know… most widows live in poverty?" 

(Over 115 million world wide)

I did not know this. Christopher and I were prepared. His job provided security for our kids and I. We also took extra precautions and filed the proper paperwork, always prepared for the "what ifs". 

We knew it could happen. We just never thought it would.

I have plans though. Not all is lost. 

“No one is useless in this world who lightens the burdens of another.” 

― Charles Dickens 

"Did you know… “death of a spouse” is listed as the #1 stressor on the stress index scale and is considered one of life’s most devastating events?"

Yep. 

Well aware. 

But I'm doing it. 

Diving in head first. 

"Did you know… 60% of those who lose a spouse or significant other will experience a serious illness within 12 months?"

Once I came up for air I knew my health was a priority. I dug deep and leaned into the emotions. Allowed myself to feel the pain rather escape it. 

I'm strong, stronger than I have ever been but I know not everyone is like me. This is why I can't hide behind the curtains. This is why I have to share what I have been through. I can help others like me. I can be a light, however faint, on those dark days. 

The darkness is real and terrifying.

I want to be a lighthouse. 

"Did you know… The average age of widowhood is 55, and 75 percent of women will be widowed by age 56?"

The majority I know are under 40. I have met or known 4 in just the last year who have lost their husband. 

I hurt for them. I feel their heartbreaking. And I see them smiling, thriving, clasping to anything remarkable. 

It is tragic and beautiful and pushes me to work harder and give more. Their survival to live inspires me. 

"Did you know… most widow(er)s lose 75% of their support base when their spouse dies?"

All types of circumstances occur after death. We moved across the country. We left a lot behind. Our family is used to being nomadic though. I had to rebuild a life, in a new city, but I had done that before. Just not alone. 

I haven't been alone though. I lost a lot of people on August 12th but the ones that remained and those I gained afterward are what I focus on now. The energy I put out is what I attract and I must be putting out some good vibes because I'm blessed to have so many people in my life that love me. That love us. 

"Did you know… after 3 – 4 months most of the remaining support fades for a widow(er)?"

I have realized that we are inept to deal with grief as a society. 

Life goes on and people expect you to do the same. 

The more we open ourselves up to our emotions.

The less we talk and the more we listen.

Everything can change. 

I hope to change the face of grief. 

(I have a plan for that too.)

"Did you know… scamming and manipulation are common practice toward the widowed?"

This was the most shocking! So many men reaching out to me on social media or through my personal contact information. Men I have never met. It is UNREAL and disturbing. 

They won't prey on my vulnerability. 

"Did you know… it really is possible to die of a broken heart? Widow(er)s have a 30% elevated risk of death in the first 6 months after their spouses died."

My heart broke when we landed in Colorado returning from the funeral. All the pain and loss, my chest felt like it was being twisted and pulled apart. I could feel my heart, the muscle itself, splitting in two. 

I thought I was going to die. 

I didn't. 

Source:

http://peaceloveandgrief.com/?tag=widow-statistics 

Pep talk

Death is a transition, an ending and beginning for those that have stopped and those still breathing. 

I haven't accepted what has happened to me, I have adapted. 

Ego misled me. 

I had the belief that I was in control. 

I was a fool. 

Blinded by my assumption that I had already suffered enough. 

I thought that if I were a good person, laid low, loved my husband and my children, that I would be skimmed over. 

That this would NEVER happen to me. 

and then BAM!

I now know that my past, my suffering, my love and joy, every element of every hour, day, week, was in preparation for my life now. 

That suffering isn't limited or measured. 

It doesn't care if you've had your heart broken before. 

What you become after, when your heart begins to heal, what you decide to do with your discomfort is essentially all that matters. 

It's not easy, but I know life isn't meant to be effortless. 

I am destined for more. 

I wake every morning with a purpose in my heart. 

I'll be damned if I let this life go to waste. 

Bull-fookey

I made it. Day 366. I didn't crumble. 
I am grounded in my new life. 
I am strong enough to shed the sorrows I have been carrying around for the past year. 

I can set myself free. 

What I have learned this year is nothing is promised to us. 
If we make a promise, we have to keep it. 
It is our gift. 
If we love someone, we need to love them fully. 
Faults and all. 
It is our gift. 
It is our triumph.

I have learned that we are not perfect. We are not invincible. 
If you blink, a year goes by. 
I now know how depressed my husband was. I have felt his pain, I have grieved for him. His pain, his darkness has been mine. 

Has been. 
It is time to come to the light. For the both of us. 

I have felt every emotion this year, tiny receptors accepting what this world is capable of. 
Sensory overload. 
Good and bad. 

I have felt emotions that I didn't know existed. Created my own words for feelings I couldn't experience before, I wasn't open enough to accept them. 
But once you're ripped open you have no choice in the matter. 
My grandfather made up words, "bull-fookey" was his favorite. 
This year was bull-fookey to the core. 

I have fallen in love with my children over and over this year. I would search for answers, filling the void with nothing. When I found my way back to their tiny open arms, I realized they don't see my tears as a burden. 

They see me. 
Faults and all. 
Beautifully scarred. 
They accept me, they want me. 
I am theirs and they are mine. 

They are tiny miracles of Christopher and I.  

They will have to live with this loss much longer. 
I will fight for them. 
I will protect them. 
I will love them fiercely so they will never feel alone, they will never feel neglected, they will never feel lost. They will be whole and can go out into this big beautiful world with an infinite amount of love. 

I have learned that answers will not come when you want them. 

They will come when you need them. 

People will lie to your face, they will say horrible things. 
I have learned to forgive. 
The response of others is not for me to understand, my response is what matters. Their issues, their pain, their projection of what causes their words and actions is not my weight to carry. 
I have been there. I have felt that pain, spoken foolishly, viciously responded to people or issues that had nothing to do with them and everything to do with me. 
I have learned that our mistakes do not define who we are. Christopher taught me that. 

I have a new found love for my country, for the men and women who defend our freedom. They go beyond the call of duty and we have failed them. The policies have to change. The misconception that asking for help, that showing weakness is equivalent to failure, it has to change. I will fight for them because they fight for us. 

I have learned what faith is. Faith is not the promise of a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. It is about the rainbow. Faith is the daily reminder that despite all the grim and agonizing journeys we may have to endure, we are still here. 
Still breathing. 
Still capable of experiencing joy. 
There is an abundance of wonder and it's intoxicating. 
It is a kaleidoscope.
Faith is what keeps one foot in front of the other. 

Faith is about choosing to live in the light and only in the dark when it is time to rest.