Day 88

The reality that Christopher is dead is weighing heavily on me now. I'm used to not talking to him but it's when I realize that it's been almost 3 months since I last spoke to him I feel that gut punch. I spent 5 hours yesterday in a conference room writing and signing my will. Discussing the most morbid scenarios so I know if something happens to me our kids will be taken care of. 5 hours of death drilling into your skull. 



I read an email last week and was asked to write down a list of my attributes. Reminding myself of the person I was before all of this, and what still remains after. I haven't done it yet.
I'm not good at loving myself. I have always felt like I lacked something that everyone else had. That I was different. I know I'm not a bad person, that I'm actually a pretty damn good one, but the self doubt always finds a way to creep in. 

I've been in therapy for years, my father is/was not the best. He is a narcissist and has been this way since way before I was born. Unable to love anyone beside himself, unable to give to others what has been generously given to him, unable to be the father that I needed. 
In therapy, I discovered that my drive to please others, to do whatever it took to make them happy was because of the relationship I had with him. He holds his love over my head, teasing and toying with me. Giving hope that if I do this, or that, then he would love me. It has always been a conditional love. This lead me to believe that all love was conditional, even the love I have for myself.

It's bogus. It makes no sense. It's a behavior pattern that I have been doing my entire life. 
When you feel like you've been abandoned in your life, repeatedly, it's natural to only want to shun away from connecting with someone. I constantly feel like I have to be in control to keep me from relying on others because I fear they will disappoint me or if I begin to rely on them too much they will disappear. Knowing this has not kept me from doing it to other people though. 
I've caused pain and hurt in people, said things that were vile and rotten just because I knew it would hurt them. I've left relationships, pushed people away, vanished. I've also tried to learn from my mistakes, make amends for my actions, apologize for the pain I caused because I know what that suffering feels like. I know the pain of being rejected. 

Cut out.


Deleted.

Like you never existed at all.

I've made drastic efforts to change this. I owe a lot of that to Christopher, Alexander and Happy. Their unconditional love for me is a constant reminder that I'm worthy of being loved. 
I mess up though. I slip. I fall. I tend to my wounds and get back up. It's survival. I can't fall down the rabbit hole although there are many days I want to. I have more good left inside to give. I remain mindful of that. Mindful that everything is connected. My actions and reactions have a cause and effect.

And affect.

Be thankful for the good. For the moments that are pure joy. 
Use it as a force against my fear of being abandoned by those I let in. Or befriend the monster and accept that it's not going anywhere.