The last time we spoke

We talked about school supplies, Alexander was about to begin first grade and even deployed you wanted to participate in every event happening at home. 
It was a normal conversation, you had just bought giant chocolate bar and were ecstatic about your find. I had a garden club meeting that night and you offered to type up the notes I needed so I could focus on other things. It was just another day and you were fine. Healthy, happy, loving and alive. 
I wouldn't change our conversation. I would be willing to have the same conversation over and over and over again. Just to hear your voice. Just to see you smile. Just to hear you say that you love me. Just anything. 

Happy started a part time preschool program today and she was stellar. She had the best time, made friends, arts and crafts. When I picked her up, I told her how proud I was and that I loved her. That Daddy loved her and she said "Daddy's proud too." 
Yes, my love, he is so proud of you. He will always be proud of you.   

I signed up for a grief seminar, hoping it will give me some answers on how I'm supposed to keep going. Every day I wake up, and every day you're still gone. I fight back tears (or ugly cry) when people tell me "hello" but can mumble a "thank you" when they say "I'm so sorry for your loss." I hate that sentence. And while we're at it, I hate "be strong". Well, no shit. Strength is not something I am lacking. I have been strong. The moment you left for this deployment I was strong. The moment I found out you had died, I've been strong. I do not need to be told that anymore. I'm sure it will be said, that seems to be the only thing people know to say. "I'm sorry for your loss, you have to be strong." Okay, well when your husband dies and you have two children under the age of 6 please, please let me know how it works out when people say that to you. I'm sure you'll do the same as me, thank them (why am I thanking them?????) and politely decline any further conversation. 
I enjoy being alone, I've never had any issues with being by myself. This is just a new type of alone, complete isolation. I'm stranded on an island. Those who float by typically paddle as fast as they possibly can to get away from this island. While I'm still here, waiting for someone to rescue me. Waiting for someone to paddle full force towards me, screw a life ring, they're coming on this island to save me. 

Meanwhile, I wait. I've pressed pause, praying to be rescued.