And this is why I'm not okay

Panic ensues. I have started pacing like I did that day. Numb. Depleted. Nothing, just terror but not the type depicted in movies, this terror is silent. It is so many emotions at once that I am in overdrive but my body doesn't know how to react, I don't know how to react. So I pace. 
This can't happen. I need to go to the grocery store. Our kids need to eat something other than soup, applesauce or whatever is convenient. I put a shirt that has blue paint on it from when Christopher and I painted the kitchen in our Colorado home. It's comforting but almost burns when I put it on. It's the searing reminder that this is what I'm left with. An old shirt with blue paint on the front, like the "Scarlett Letter" but instead of an A it's a W. 

Our wedding anniversary is in 19 days, he wouldn't have been home but the best gift/date was that it was the mark of the "final countdown". He would be home in two weeks. This is not what set me off though, it's when I started reading our text messages. 
Damnit.
On the Tuesday before, we were texting that morning and I told him about the awful dreams I had the night before. 

This is where it goes downhill. 

I remember the dream. It was the last one I had before Friday, I've just recently started dreaming again, but this one, this damn premonition, this was my warning sign. I should have known what was coming my way. 
Blood, pain, frightening images. Chris had died in the dream and it was so real that I cried in my sleep. I woke up in the middle of it, realized it was just a dream but went straight back into REM hell. It wasn't long, it wasn't detailed, it was just so much heartbreak and so much anguish that it destroyed me that night. And now, still destroying me.

I am a spiritual person. I believe in signs, omens, signals. I should have known that this wasn't just any normal dream. I knew. I was trying to prepare myself. I just didn't realize that one can never prepare for something like this. I also know that I could not have prevented this but.

There is always that but. 

I know it's insane of me to think that I sensed something was going to happen but insane things have happened in the past two months that make me think, maybe I'm not that crazy? 

Christopher always said that 

"maybe we're the normal ones and everyone else is insane?"  

I'm not pacing anymore. Typing it, putting words down, sending this somewhere else for now, I think I'll make it to the grocery store today. 

I have to feed these kids.