tick tock

Life is incredibly bizarre. Time seems to stand still or zoom by. I'm exhausted. I'm sick of the endless phone calls and paperwork that typically results in "I'm so sorry for your loss, but we will need a death certificate or something else that proves your husband is deceased." 

I am over it. 

I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I don't know who I am. I don't know what I want. What I do know, this not how I thought my life would turn out. 

I never imagined being a widow at 33.

Forced to start over. 

Raising two kids. 

Alone. 

I never imagined moving back to Mississippi. 

Living with my parents.

Trying to organize and cram what little of our life before into their house because all of our stuff is in some Army storage unit and I have no clue when we will get it again. 

I never imagined that Thursday would be the last time I'd hear him say he loved me. 

Alexander has been asking how Chris died, and tonight I will have to explain to him what's going on. We don't know. He's going to ask questions and I pray I can give him the right answers. Even though I don't have any myself. 

Sidenote- 
If you're reading this because I know people are, there is a handy tool that shows how many people read each post, please don't decide today to ask me what happened or if I've heard anything. 
If you haven't bothered to reach out to me before, please don't bother now. Our life isn't for you to gossip about. 

I'm done with fake. 
I'm done with bullshit. 
I'm done with surface level people. 



I know the fight is alive in me, I know I'll get shit done. I know I'll take care of our kids. I know they will become stellar adults because they are already stellar kids.
I know I'll be a fire you won't be able to put out. 
I just have to get there. 
It'll happen, I just have to figure out which map to choose.