The G word

Guilt. You feel it. It covers you like poison ivy. You scratch at the what if's, the if I had done this, or that, or anything different, then maybe. They tell you not to use the word guilt. They being the people who have been deemed experts on grief. They say that it isn't healthy, you should use the term regret instead because this allows you to learn from your mistakes instead of feeling like you had some sort of control over what happened. 

At first I sat in a baby pool full of guilt. 

Chris had high blood pressure and should not have deployed. He loved salt, had an intense job that caused a lot more stress than most and he used "worm dirt" (dip, chewing tobacco, gross)and this caused him to be non-deployable a few months before they were set to head out. He fought and schemed on how to get it lower, he started eating right, running more, less nicotine. I helped him, I rooted for him, I did everything I could to get him to his goal. Deploy with his guys. He finally got it low enough and they signed off on his deployment status, from a no to a go and that was that. Until the day he died. When I was able to start thinking again, I felt immense guilt. I did this. I helped him get deployed and if he hadn't gone over there he would be alive. A big ol' buffet of guilt all for me. 

How sweet.

I had to get his body from Dover, Maryland and I told the chaplain at the Fisher House about this guilt I felt. He said, "You were being a good wife, there is nothing to feel guilty about. What if you hadn't helped him? That could have put a strain on your relationship, he may have resented you for his non-deployable status. What then?" 

Perspective is a beautiful thing. 

I haven't felt guilty about that since, their have been other things but I've been able to see "the bigger picture". I've realized it's incredibly vain of me to think that I had control over someone's life. I dislike egos just as much as guilt, especially if it's my own. So for now, this is working and I'll keep my perspective goggles handy for moments that will surely arise and the guilt tries to sneak out and take control.