Bull-fookey

I made it. Day 366. I didn't crumble. 
I am grounded in my new life. 
I am strong enough to shed the sorrows I have been carrying around for the past year. 

I can set myself free. 

What I have learned this year is nothing is promised to us. 
If we make a promise, we have to keep it. 
It is our gift. 
If we love someone, we need to love them fully. 
Faults and all. 
It is our gift. 
It is our triumph.

I have learned that we are not perfect. We are not invincible. 
If you blink, a year goes by. 
I now know how depressed my husband was. I have felt his pain, I have grieved for him. His pain, his darkness has been mine. 

Has been. 
It is time to come to the light. For the both of us. 

I have felt every emotion this year, tiny receptors accepting what this world is capable of. 
Sensory overload. 
Good and bad. 

I have felt emotions that I didn't know existed. Created my own words for feelings I couldn't experience before, I wasn't open enough to accept them. 
But once you're ripped open you have no choice in the matter. 
My grandfather made up words, "bull-fookey" was his favorite. 
This year was bull-fookey to the core. 

I have fallen in love with my children over and over this year. I would search for answers, filling the void with nothing. When I found my way back to their tiny open arms, I realized they don't see my tears as a burden. 

They see me. 
Faults and all. 
Beautifully scarred. 
They accept me, they want me. 
I am theirs and they are mine. 

They are tiny miracles of Christopher and I.  

They will have to live with this loss much longer. 
I will fight for them. 
I will protect them. 
I will love them fiercely so they will never feel alone, they will never feel neglected, they will never feel lost. They will be whole and can go out into this big beautiful world with an infinite amount of love. 

I have learned that answers will not come when you want them. 

They will come when you need them. 

People will lie to your face, they will say horrible things. 
I have learned to forgive. 
The response of others is not for me to understand, my response is what matters. Their issues, their pain, their projection of what causes their words and actions is not my weight to carry. 
I have been there. I have felt that pain, spoken foolishly, viciously responded to people or issues that had nothing to do with them and everything to do with me. 
I have learned that our mistakes do not define who we are. Christopher taught me that. 

I have a new found love for my country, for the men and women who defend our freedom. They go beyond the call of duty and we have failed them. The policies have to change. The misconception that asking for help, that showing weakness is equivalent to failure, it has to change. I will fight for them because they fight for us. 

I have learned what faith is. Faith is not the promise of a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. It is about the rainbow. Faith is the daily reminder that despite all the grim and agonizing journeys we may have to endure, we are still here. 
Still breathing. 
Still capable of experiencing joy. 
There is an abundance of wonder and it's intoxicating. 
It is a kaleidoscope.
Faith is what keeps one foot in front of the other. 

Faith is about choosing to live in the light and only in the dark when it is time to rest.