Tuesday, October 10, 2017

Shamed into silence

I haven't been completely honest. 
Shame does that. 
He didn't die in glory. 
He died alone. 
He died hurting. 
He was in pain and I wasn't there to save him.

I'm ready.
This is the final step.

After I write these words, after I share what I've been holding in for over a year, I feel like I can truly move forward. 
I won't have this secret haunting me. 
Taunting me. 

The control will be taken back. 

August. 
Two notification officers came to my house and told me Christopher died in his sleep. 

A week later the unit commander sits with my mother and I, and proceeds to tell me he had a normal day. 
He ate breakfast, worked out, went to work, was fine until right before dinner when his roommate went to wake him, he was dead.

September.
Christopher died of a multiple drug overdose. 
At least that is what the autopsy says.

My first reaction was impossible. 
Someone killed him.
He was deployed. 
He wouldn't do this. 
We video chatted daily, sometimes twice a day. 
There were too many uncertainties to convince me otherwise. 
He wasn't a drug addict.


This isn't happening.

October. 
His belongings arrived from Afghanistan. 
I recognized most of his stuff but there were times when going through it, I felt like he was a stranger. 
Then I found some note cards. 
Information about emails and passwords I had no clue he had. 
I thought for maybe Fantasy Baseball but then one website lead me to bitcoins. 

Christopher was into stocks and savings. 
We were saving money to buy a house. 

Then I Googled "can you buy drugs with bitcoins".
An entire underground world that I will never understand. 
Too much involved, too deceitful. 

Christopher could barely use iTunes, no way he figured this out. 

January. 
I get a phone call from the investigator state side and she tells me, "Forensics concluded he purchased the drugs using bitcoins." 

This is where I fall completely apart. I was fighting to survive day to day, diligently nurturing my children and trying like hell to care for myself. I realized that I had been lied to all along. I had commanding officers in the Army tell me he had a normal day but they knew this was how he died. They watched me scream and wail over his dead body. Still nothing.
I convinced myself that he committed suicide. That he willingly chose, the day he ordered the drugs, to be done. 
No way out. 
I didn't know what to believe anymore other than the man I knew and what we shared. 
But I was angry. 
This must be what hell is like. 

Christopher always loved Dante's Inferno. 

April. 
The final report is shoved into my face and my mail slot. 
Another lie. 
Someone from his unit and the investigator were supposed to hand deliver it, so I would understand. 

Cowards.

I read it alone. 
Still no answers. 
No receipt of purchase.
Just saying it cost this much and he used bitcoins.

Where did the money come from? 
He certainly didn't take it out of our joint checking account. 

He didn't have a "normal day".
He was last seen that morning.
He was cold.
He was dead for over 8 hours.
No one looked for him. 
No one saved him.
The interviews make no sense. 
Continuing to shift the blame, and repeat the nonsense. 
They are describing a stranger who looks like my husband.

How am I going to explain this to our kids? 
Oh, God!?!
How do I explain this to myself? 
I don't know what to believe. 
Too many secrets, too many lies. 
Too many unanswered questions.


September. 
The death certificate comes and it says overdose. 
As if that's all his life amounted to. 
The line of duty report comes and it is deemed that he "did NOT die" in the line of duty. 
He gave his life for his country but because he wasn't shot or blown up, he didn't die the way they thought he should have, this is what he gets. 

The information or lack thereof keeps coming in, slowly trying to break me. 
They haven't broken me yet. 
They don't know who I am.


What I do know is this. 

My husband was kind, generous, hard working, loving, determined, and extremely intelligent.
He delighted in all things. 
He was an adventurer. 
He loved me, his children, his family and friends. 
And it was extraordinary.
The list could go on and on but at the top would be human. 


His heart was so big, it swallowed him whole. 


I will never let his life go in vain. 
I will live my life to save others from this nightmare. 
I will hold my head high knowing that I had a pure love, a take me or leave me but always take me kind of love. 
I will live the rest of my life cherishing the days of my past and allow myself to enjoy the days before me.  

I know who he was. 

No more secrets. 


1 comment:

  1. You should ve been introduced to me sooner. His heart and conscience, he couldn't escape the bad he had done and it led to this. The loss consumed his will finally. Hate me not him. He loved you dearly and everyday!

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