Excuse me, your human is showing

Rain. 

It's always nice when you're having a down day and the weather decides to cooperate. 

I'm getting impatient.
When this happens I try to meditate and remind myself to be in the moment. This is not always so easy to do. I'm scared that, what if it's all bullshit? What if I'm doing all this work, checking all these boxes, doing the right thing, the right way and guess what? 
It doesn't matter. 
Yeah, I made well out of a situation that most can't see themselves overcoming, but from what I've noticed, most people can. They are capable and the amount of them doing well after suffering a major blow, it's inspiring but reminds me that it's just life. 
We make what we want of it, but at the same time what's it all for? Will we truly understand our struggles and adversities when it's all said and done? Are we here to ask these questions so our lives are more purposeful and we behave more meaningful towards one another? 

I don't know. 

I do know that kindness matters. I do know that people respond to a gentle hand. A warm meal, a smile, a reminder that they are a part of your meaningful life. 

I talk in circles, trying to figure it all out and really it just boils down to this. 

I don't know who I am anymore.

I look at pictures and they are just dreams. Beautiful dreams that I thought were going to be my forever. 

And then reality. 
And then life. 
And I can't dream anymore.

If I could live in that dream world, just once more. 
What would I do? Who would I be? Would it matter in the end? 

This is why I'm impatient. It has to matter. 
My life here, my daily existence, my pain, it all has to matter. 

Otherwise, I'm just floating. 

"What life is, we know not. What life does, we know well." 
Lord Perceval