My human experience

The house is quiet. 
One noise maker is at school and the other is still asleep, dreaming. 
In these quiet moments my mind races from one thought to another. 

Daily tasks. 
Did you text/call this person back? 
Is the laundry ready for baseball? 
I need to call someone about life insurance. 
How the hell am I going to keep this up? 
I'm a failure. 
No, you're strong. 
It hurts so much. 
I know. 

What did I think about in these moments before this life began? I can't remember. It is as if that life, that person, never existed at all. Just memories, what I would give to go back to just one of those memories. I search for answers, for any resolution for the gaping hole inside me. Someone has to have an answer. 
God? Buddha? Aristotle? Merriam-Webster? 

The Roman philosopher Seneca said 

"Therefore it is better to conquer our grief than to deceive it."

I read these words, ask myself how and the answer just comes. 

By living. 

I am only in control of my thoughts, actions, behavior. Trying to control or understand the rest is just futile and can drive one mad. 


"We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience."

Pierre Teilhard de Chardin

Life is painful. Life is beautiful. 
A gamble we take daily. 
Yes or no, right or left, blue or red. 

I don't know if your answer will satisfy my question. Maybe, I'm not asking the right question. Or maybe I'm just meant to live the rest of my life with a piece of me missing. That's what Christopher was. He is a part of me and I him. I feel selfish for wanting him back because I know that some people will never love like that.
Be embraced, cherished, connected with someone that was made for them. Call it cliche, call it what you want but unless you've truly loved someone, it won't make sense. 
Everyone has heard "home is where the heart is" and I guess I feel so lost because I'm homeless now. My heart resides in Christopher, it won't be whole till we're together again. 

I will keep living though. Choosing to be a light and not succumbing to the darkness. I want to be blinding, not a shadow.