Last week the bottom fell out again. There was another death and this time, I have no idea who this person is. Except I do, in a way. It's a demon I've been battling for a long time. I thought I was strong enough, diligent enough, loved enough to defeat it.
It won.
I have no answers.
I have science.
I have evidence.
I have facts.
I have no idea what I'm really thinking right now.
Lost on a straight path that keeps getting narrower and narrower.
Lost in my mind.
All while searching the whole time. Searching for the truth, for some resemblance of what I thought my life was and would be.
My mom mask fits perfectly. It hides my pain and gives me the courage to face the day.
Most days.
Not days like last week.
The kids are adjusting as well as can be expected. They both panic when they need me and can't find me. I have to reassure them that I'm here. I have to bathe and prefer it didn't include them. I can't promise them that I'll be here tomorrow, they know that and it eats me alive. I've blamed myself and gone back and forth with what I could have, might have affected, it's a labyrinth. I've tried to be gentle with myself. Rationalizing and compromising, knowing it makes no difference because I'm bartering with myself. I have been thinking about how I treat and speak with my kids, I'm gentle and patient with them so why am I so hard on myself?
So I've been imagining little Lindsey.
6 or 7 year old Lindsey.
How would I explain this? How could I comfort her?
Here it is.
Dear little one,
This is weird and silly, I know. Me writing you, who is actually me, it's nuts!?!
But here it is kiddo, I'm older now. 33, actually and I don't want to scare you but this life, our life, it gets scary. There are some major bumps and we are going to make messes and get hurt. More than a bandaid can fix, a lot of the time. You're going to feel your heart break and I can't explain to you how that feels because until you feel it in August 2016, and then again in January 2017, it's not worth knowing. Because despite all of that, you are going to shine. You are going to be loved and love so much that it is going to fill 100 swimming pools.
You will get to do and see some incredible things and I only know what we've seen so far so who knows what's to come?
You will laugh so much, even during the scary moments.
You will dance, even when you're crying.
You will get to marry someone that fills your dark sky with never ending shooting stars. He will help your light grow even brighter.
You get to be a mama.
I know that's a bit strange to think about but you do and I can promise you this. One thing I know that is true, without a doubt, they are awesome kids. They will guide you back to your light. They will love you fiercely and you will love them just as much.
Remember to be brave. Remember to be kind, even when you want to punch someone (trust me, you will). Remember to stop. Just stop and take a breath. Look at the sky, it will remind you of home. Our heart is in the sky, little one. Never stop believing, in yourself or the magic of a life filled with possibilities.
I have to just remember that I'm still that little girl. Not everyone who wanders is lost, right? The path will be clear again.
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