Dodging bullets

I've gotten good at pretending. 
Acting as if I'm not still broken inside. 
Walking around leaving tiny shards of myself, pieces of my heart. 

I hate feeling this way. I hate being okay and then completely shattered. I feel incomplete. As if a thief has come in the middle of the night and has taken everything, my safety, my heart, my life. 

Confliction.
Gnawing. 

There HAS to be something. Some reason. I can't accept that this it. That I'm only left with this inferno because Hell is real.

That means Heaven must be too. It has to be. 

I need to be loved. I need to feel it. I have all this love for Christopher, it's drowning me. 
No love will be the same. 

Brutal.
Reality.

Every day I wake up and am reminded of what is and what is not. I get out of bed and put on the mask, all while dodging the reminders and thoughts that fire off constantly in my head. 

Smiles and blank stares. It's much prettier than what's underneath. 

But still here....